Baby Bird

Meet baby Bird. This tiny being is growing inside me and until the ultrasound I couldn't believe it to be true. I mean, I believed it but I didn't BELIEVE it. I am a "believe it when I see it" type person.

I don't think we are truly ready for this step in our lives and I think about that all the time but at some point you have to realize, ready or not- here it comes!

We are going to have an extra mouth to feed, although milk from my breast or a can is not really food in the traditional sense and may not even cost us anything but alas, you get the point. We will have to care for its every need, clothe it, provide it with all of our attention every day. And that is on top of working, taking care of our dog, never forgetting to make time for each other and living our own lives.

How do people do it?

On top of everything else, the hardest part of all of this is that
I want so badly to make this child's life better than mine, to give it what I never got. I want this child to have it easier than I had it and to grow up proud of its home, its parents and its life. I didn't get to grow up like that and I HAVE to make sure that my child can never say that.

I don't ever want to let our child see us suffer financially or emotionally.

Something that really hits home to me is the percent of divorce rate in this country and although Josh and I have never been happier in our lives before we have to admit that life happens and people don't make it.

WE CAN NOT LET THIS HAPPEN TO US.

We both agree that divorce is very unlikely to be something either of us ever consider and we have been together for the better part of 7 years so we know we are getting off to a great start. I just want to assure the baby that have divorced parents is not something I ever expect our child to have to cope with. I want to assure our child that his/her mommy and daddy love it so much and we also love each other sooo much. This baby was definitely made out of love and I want to always keep that in mind. This relationship deserves the time and effort it takes to work. Our love deserves to work out and now, most importantly our child deserves to grow up in a happy and healthy home.

They do exist and I am planning on becoming one of them.

Baby Bird,

Your mom would like to make some promises to you.

1) Mommy and daddy will always be here for you, and to help you in whatever you need.
2) Mommy and daddy love you and are going to give you the best that we can, which mommy promises will be great things. Like a great home, great pets, great parents who love each other and you, great friends and other family members and a great education.
3) Mommy and daddy will do anything it takes to take care of you.
4) Mommy and daddy will never let you grow up in chaos or have to deal with the crazies, which is mommy's family sometimes not the zombielike characters from the title movie.
5) Mommy and daddy will make sure that you are smart from the beginning so life won't be as much of a struggle for you.

Mommy has lots of promises to make you but most of all you will be raised to respect yourself and others, learn to be a logical, self sufficient person and then grow up and meet someone else who loves you just as much as your mommy loves your daddy. You will marry and create a mini you and my job will be done.

Gator Bait?

As an avid Gator fan I have been putting off the inevitable since I myself graduated with Tim Tebow on December 18, 2009. When the 2009 season ended I just let my good NCAA mood ride me all the way to this evening's gut wrenching ending. I think most of us, UF students (past and present), would agree that we have been spoiled ever since Steve Spurrier took the Head Coach position in 1990 (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/University_of_florida_gators_football).
After more winning seasons than losing seasons in the past 20 years of Gator Football we may have forgotten a few things, like how to lose gracefully and that winning isn't everything.

I say that we didn't lose gracefully but I really just mean I didn't take the loss gracefully. I am not nutty, as my friend Priscilla Mueller would say, but I do tend to snap more after a Gator loss. It really effects my mood. My husband pointed this out to me tonight after the game. "UF fans are just spoiled, this is a rebuild season and you can't expect them to win every game," Josh said. My immediate response of course is that IDID NOT expect us to win every game but we SUCKED tonight. Did we really suck? Well, that is up for debate because I definitely have seen this year's team looking better; like our win against UK and UT but they were both unranked and we usually do beat them. Maybe I am spoiled and just have a hard time with the idea that my team is going to have a bad season here and there but even when we aren't playing well we usually pull off a winning season. Only time will tell on that prediction...

I mentioned earlier that winning isn't everything, or at least it shouldn't be. NCAA, and what makes it so much fun to watch, is that the players have a lot to lose. They play from their hearts and just love the game because they aren't getting paid. Generally speaking, I like to think that these are the players with integrity and a more passionate drive to perform because they have their entire future and career on the line every time they step onto the field. NCAA is about the game, and the players. I should have looked at tonight's game as a success because it was entertaining, it was thrilling, it had me on the edge of my seat all night and it created a passion inside of me. This is what football is about, the fun of it all. So we didn't win, so what? I got to watch the game and was entertained by it even though I was also annoyed by our loss.

My husband likes to think he is always right about everything, well I will have to give him at LEAST this ONE. I still think we made a lot of easily fixed mistakes and we could have played better but maybe I could have had a better attitude about it going in, and coming out. As the cliche' goes, "It isn't if you win or lose, it is all how you play the game."

The grass IS sometimes greener

I have struggled with my "new" job for a while now. I have worked for 2 months as a new media rep at AT&T Advertising Solutions. So far all I have learned is that my boss has got to have some type of mental disorder and is the biggest liar on the planet. My guess would be psychotic or bipolar?
I want to make it clear, this is not a joke. This woman is actually crazy and lies about almost everything. It has gotten so bad that I literately must question everything she says because 99% of it is total bull.
Working under this type of person has been difficult, and realistically damn near impossible. One minute she is trying to help you to your face the next minute you get an e-mail about how what you did, even though it was her that asked you to do it, will get you written up for insubordination which is grounds for termination.
This woman has threatened my job so often that I just stopped caring all other.
With this on top of the idea of being away from home 5 days a week is just not my ideal situation and not something I was interested in continuing.
There is another position that is better, premise. I see that as the easier job, more laid back and less time consuming with less travel. You have to think to yourself, would it really be better in that position than this one?
We all know there is no such thing as the perfect job. Every job will have its pros and cons but I saw premise as the golden job at att. You don't have to knock doors, or cold call at all. You are given accounts to work and you work them, you make an appointment with the business owner who was waiting for you to call because that is how it goes. Sounds a lot better, right???

IT TOTALLY IS!!!

I got to know the premise guys a lot recently and I truely know they all have their own issues, mostly pay. The difference is the grass really is greener on the other side...my boss is completely insane.

I will never again assume everyone has the same issues as me, the truth of the matter is some times things really are better, sometimes you just aren't in the right position.

Does this mean I will stay with ATT and just transfer to premise...MAYBE....

Divorce

The ugly word that has sadly become a daily occurance...Divorce. Recently I have noticed it creeping into the lives of everyone around me.

Case #1 Kristine and Daniel Downard, a christian couple whom I have known for many years and whom I held in high esteem for their love of the lord and each other, are getting divorced after only 2 short years. I am kind of devastated for them and marriage in general. I went to their wedding and was sure that I was watching something magical happen, something blessed and holy. She woke up one day and was a completely different person. She wanted to be single, go to bars, go drinking and dancing and wanted nothing to do with her husband whom she vowed to always love and honor...:(!!!

Case #2 A high school friend who got married 2 years ago as well and has a 1 year old is now getting a divorce and is working as a waitress to support her son. :(

Case #3 Another friend from middle school who I have fallen out of touch with has recently gotten divorced. She married a guy from our middle school and was hurt very badly by him. She is thrilled to be getting divorced.

Case #4 My best guy friend from middle school who I am still in touch with has told me that his parents got a divorce a few years ago and are still, to this day, fighting over money. They have drained all of their savings and ruined both of their finances in literately years of court costs. His dad now lives on a boat.

Case#5 My co-worker's sister was supposed to have her wedding ceremony this weekend even though she has been married for a year because it was a quick military ceremony...she decided to get divorced instead.

What happened to "until death do us part"? I have the most unfortunate experience of never seeing a marriage actually last and maintain its joy and love. It is so sad. My parents were divorced when I was 6. My mom and dad's closest friends got divorced 3 years ago because the man was cheating on his wife for YEARS! My sister's old boss and a mutual friend of mine just went through a divorce because her husband and best friend for 13 years got another woman pregnant!!!

I have 100% complete faith that Josh and I will be the exception. Josh and I don't believe in divorce as an option to our problems...we're stuck with each other from December 26, 2009 on until we die and go to heaven and I am looking forward to every fight, every make up, our children's birth, our careers blossoming, more fights and more make up and living every day like it was our last.

There is no L-O-V-E in divorce.

Starting Over

It's been 9 months now since I started my life over is more ways than I could imagine at the time. I got married to the love of my life and my high school sweet heart. I also graduated from the University of Florida, the greatest school in the world, or at least the south east. I also moved again and became jobless for the first time in 5 years. It was a new world, a completely different life and I felt scared in some ways and so happy in so many other ways.

Again I am faced with some of the same. I am stepping out into something completely new to me, something I have never really known. I have always been a christian but I can't say I have always been in love with Jesus or completely a believer. I have swayed and fallen many times. I found letting go of my control very difficult. I found completely leaning on God to be impossible.

It has taken me a long time but I am finally starting to get it, we have to give him everything. Nothing works without complete faith that God has got this, he has everything in his hands. Not worrying has been a challenge but something I work at every day. I feel like I really have renewed my life and started over.

I also put in my two weeks notice. I will be jobless on October 8th if nothing else comes my way. I am stepping out on nothing and putting it all in God's hands. He is already giving me a feeling of peace that he will provide and bring me something I love.

I am new, I am starting over.

I will finally get to see Josh everyday, something we have never enjoyed as a married couple. It will be so amazing to be able to finally be a real couple, finally enjoy being married.

I can't wait, I love starting over.

Letting Go

I know I am the world's worst blog writer but I have to let it out. It is near impossible for me to just let anything or everything go.
Is it possible to hate a part of yourself so much that you always try to change but never can? More importantly, is it possible to have a character flaw you can never shake off.

I am not blind to the negative aspects of being human. In my head I realize that I will never be perfect but it is hard for me to accept my flaws.
My personality leaves much to be desired in the way of grudge holding.
I like to think I don't hold grudges but it is painfully obvious that I easily get bitter and can hold a grudge like no other bitty I know.
The thing about being bitter and angry (which goes along with holding a grudge) is that it hurts no one else but the grudge holder. I am only hurting myself, a lot like a teenage cuter who just likes to see the blood.
I am so bitter toward my job for everything it is causing me to miss, for all the hours I put in, for the fact that my paycheck says I only work 44 hours a week instead of close to 60, for not being able to see my family, and for doing something I hate...Retail Sales.
I am trying but so far I just have not been able to let a lot of anger go....

Stop and Smell the Story

Years ago I discovered the power of my nose.
I am but a mere human but for a human I have quite the sense of smell. (This makes perfect sense to me because I am very blind and can not see a 2 foot letter right in front of me with out my glasses, nature had to give me something. )
I can walk by a person and tell exactly what bath and body works fragrance they are wearing, I can smell a dog pee stain from outside my apartment door, thanks Kahlua!
I can smell when things are still good but about to go bad, I can even smell how many days it has been since Josh washed his hair last.

So it isn't the most important talent in the world, and so what everyone else has the same ability. I may think I have a stronger sense of smell than the average person but in reality I may just be one of few who is detailed oriented enough to smell my surroundings.

This unfortunately brings me to my obsession or love for all different kinds of smells. I love to smell "good", which I realize is a perception.
My favorite smell is a candle fragrance that Yankee Candle put out several years ago called "Midsummer's Night"
It is meant to provoke the sense of romance and beauty that Shakespeare wrote about.
To me it leads my imagination into the halls of Hogwarts and up the towers to the Divination room.

When I was reading the 3rd installment into Harry's battle against evil, I came across a car freshener for this scent and used it as a book mark.
I was surprised to find myself more involved in the world than I ever had been before. It all started when I opened the book where I left the makeshift book mark the day before and felt as if i were standing in the great hall.
I could smell the potions, the thick perfumes and aroma of the old castle. It was a sensation I had only heard about from Josh or my good friends David and Corey.
They always talked about books like they were something you could be a part of and now I knew what they meant.

I have read hundreds of books in my life but Harry Potter series are still my favorite. I wonder how many more books I would read if I could match them all to a scent that would pull my imagination into the words on the pages.

This is kind of sad to admit but I miss that experience so much that sometimes I put light a "Midsummer's Night" candle to try to remember the way I felt as I traveled with Harry and his friends through the castle looking for adventure.